Communication works two ways and not one. What we have to say is always of more importance then what the other person has to say.
Nope, theres not a single soul I can tell.
played;
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
12:57 AM
Death is just part of the natural order. In death, we bring along secrets and answers. In death, we can cause sorrow, or we can give a cause for joy. Death could be predestined? Or it could be viable to circumstances? Death, would always remain a mystery to me till the day I experience it myself.
Change is almost like a constant because the world is ever changing. However, nobody can actually pin down a value on it because it is unpredictable. But at the same time, humans are adapatable to these changes given time.
Time is something that I can't put into words for now. Every second that passes is caught by a tiny frame of emotion which I cannot simply pin down.
However, I do know time that has given me the accept, and adapt to changes. Perhaps, it is about time I actually give you support for the things you do. Everyday, I count down to your next book out. Everyday, I'm thankful that your heart is still beating. Everyday, I learn to accept the circumstances. Everyday, I never stop thinking of you.
Happy One Year, I love you. P.S. This has been overdue.
We're both stuck. We've been standing here for too long it seems. Or is it just me? Being comfortable is always okay? Perhaps, I just simply desire for too much.
There hasn't been much to blog about. I haven't felt the need to highlight unsatisfactory moments of my life in order to indulge in my own bouts of self pity and make it sound pathetic. Maybe i'd close this down sometime soon. After a while, you just get used to the happenings around you. Whats the point of talking about it when you know you're not going to do anything about it?
played;
Monday, January 07, 2008
12:13 AM
The transition into the new year was no big deal for me. However, 2007 was like a leaping stone from the sheltered life I had.
For starters, I finally graduated from secondary school after having wasted 5 years of my life there instead of 4. However, things wouldn't have turned out the way the were right now if not for that one extra year. I wouldn't have had met all these people, and I probably would never had experienced the thrills of underage clubbing or the highs of drinking.
Then there was the time at BFD. While working my ass off, I had the experience of : The not so random make-outs, the act of overly giving the benefit of the doubt to others, survival in work politics and lastly the spending of half my pay check in night. Which I later on regretted doing so. However, I must say that the company I had did lighten things up.
Entering poly was like being thrown into a class in a neighbourhood school. It was hell for the first few weeks, adapting to it was though, especially with the mindset that people from neighbourhood schools were below me. I was thrown apart from my familar surroundings. However, the passage of time proved me wrong. It was good first sem.
Then I lost my bet, which was totally unplanned or unexpected for. I got attached and it was quite a surprise I'd say, not just to me but to others around me. The fact that this relationship is still intact gives me a sense of achievement. Yet, at the same time it scares me. Its not about the commitment, its about how attached you get to the person without realizing it. Just like how I look forward to bookouts all week even though I've just left you a few hours ago. Relationships alter your life, its like how some companies have joined partnerships for the benefit of both companies. Basically, its like living your life with mutual shared decisions. Its not an obsession, its an attachment to this partnership.
This entry ends here, I love you army boy. As for my new year resolutions, I have none. I prefer to live my life with the flow. You can never predict what happens in the future.
If screaming is the only medium whereby you can find solace, to that I will turn a deaf ear. I will not turn into your reflection.
The constant X's which keep appearing on the bottom of the page everytime i log into my school website don't mean anything to me anymore. Blame that on arrogance and laziness. The occasional pangs of guilt visit me every once in a while, however that still isn't enough to stop me from leaving school early or skipping school all together. Whatever, I know I've fucked up this sem and I don't care mom. At least it was my choice to do badly. Leave me alone.
Responsibility has become new cause for conflict. Or perhaps, I still don't which matters more to me. I need the courage to follow through.
I think I'm changing, or perhaps its just self discovery. Either way, I'm embracing it.
Well, at least I know I love you, and I think of you every day. Its amazing how almost 6 months have passed. Hmm, its pretty amusing still.
oddly, being solitary isn't all that therapeutic to me all of a sudden. it just creates an even bigger space. hollow, so hollow. it makes me lightheaded.
played;
Monday, October 15, 2007
11:44 PM
we all feel depressed at certain points in our lives. and everyone pretty much has his or her own reason to be so. its just a matter of how open they are about it. i'm pretty much just trying to justify the point of this entry.
i know what it feels like to be unappreciated. it goes around, and finally comes back kicking you hard in the ass. even if blindfolded, karma would still have no problem finding its way back to me. not that im saying that im underserving of it though.
its funny how much more expressive i am on my blog as compared as to real life. its not that i don't trust anyone. everything just seems so mundane and underserving of any real attention. its seems like i've lost the ability to express my true emotions verbally or through other mediums. i feel like as though im slowly turning into a doormat.
it sickens me to the stomach, having to try to be decent to everyone all the time. and every decision i make has to compromise something. every decision i make, i have to make a choice between satisfying one party and disappointing the other. everytime i want to say something, i hold it back because i know its insensitive. at the end of the day, somehow im always at the losing end. when i get really upset, i shake it off because its unimportant and i don't like getting judged. i know this sounds like another one of those entries. perhaps this is why i've held back this angsty entry for so long.
i know i'm not quite the same person anymore, somehow. but i've tried by best, i've carried my burden, i've tried to adapt. yet somehow along the way, everyone eventually forgot about my feelings. and even more so how its like to be in more shoes. yes i have a choice sometimes, but that doesn't mean physically i can achieve it. i am not someone else, i am me, just plain me. all the insensitivity is just the summation of how insignigicant i've become. afterall, i've always been more or less decent to everyone haven't i? heres the all time classic cliche line, everything was just a facade.
even as im writing this, i feel that somewhere out there, someone's judging me. call me childish, paranoid, self-centered, pathetic, full of self-pity whatsoever. the list can go on forever. i don't care if this is how the world works even so i still need an outlet to spill. philosophers make solutions to life so easy. yet somehow being complex human beings. life has never been any less complicated. im so fucking depressed. acknowledgement doesn't make me feel any better, and so they lied.
