we all feel depressed at certain points in our lives. and everyone pretty much has his or her own reason to be so. its just a matter of how open they are about it. i'm pretty much just trying to justify the point of this entry.
i know what it feels like to be unappreciated. it goes around, and finally comes back kicking you hard in the ass. even if blindfolded, karma would still have no problem finding its way back to me. not that im saying that im underserving of it though.
its funny how much more expressive i am on my blog as compared as to real life. its not that i don't trust anyone. everything just seems so mundane and underserving of any real attention. its seems like i've lost the ability to express my true emotions verbally or through other mediums. i feel like as though im slowly turning into a doormat.
it sickens me to the stomach, having to try to be decent to everyone all the time. and every decision i make has to compromise something. every decision i make, i have to make a choice between satisfying one party and disappointing the other. everytime i want to say something, i hold it back because i know its insensitive. at the end of the day, somehow im always at the losing end. when i get really upset, i shake it off because its unimportant and i don't like getting judged. i know this sounds like another one of those entries. perhaps this is why i've held back this angsty entry for so long.
i know i'm not quite the same person anymore, somehow. but i've tried by best, i've carried my burden, i've tried to adapt. yet somehow along the way, everyone eventually forgot about my feelings. and even more so how its like to be in more shoes. yes i have a choice sometimes, but that doesn't mean physically i can achieve it. i am not someone else, i am me, just plain me. all the insensitivity is just the summation of how insignigicant i've become. afterall, i've always been more or less decent to everyone haven't i? heres the all time classic cliche line, everything was just a facade.
even as im writing this, i feel that somewhere out there, someone's judging me. call me childish, paranoid, self-centered, pathetic, full of self-pity whatsoever. the list can go on forever. i don't care if this is how the world works even so i still need an outlet to spill. philosophers make solutions to life so easy. yet somehow being complex human beings. life has never been any less complicated. im so fucking depressed. acknowledgement doesn't make me feel any better, and so they lied.
