i want you to know that, i miss you so.

2008-09-23T22:41:00.002+08:00

Communication works two ways and not one.
What we have to say is always of more importance then what the other person has to say.

Nope, theres not a single soul I can tell.

no notice

2008-06-25T00:57:00.004+08:00

Death is just part of the natural order.
In death, we bring along secrets and answers.
In death, we can cause sorrow, or we can give a cause for joy.
Death could be predestined? Or it could be viable to circumstances?
Death, would always remain a mystery to me till the day I experience it myself.

Change is almost like a constant because the world is ever changing.
However, nobody can actually pin down a value on it because it is unpredictable.
But at the same time, humans are adapatable to these changes given time.

Time is something that I can't put into words for now.
Every second that passes is caught by a tiny frame of emotion which I cannot simply pin down.

However, I do know time that has given me the accept, and adapt to changes.
Perhaps, it is about time I actually give you support for the things you do.
Everyday, I count down to your next book out.
Everyday, I'm thankful that your heart is still beating.
Everyday, I learn to accept the circumstances.
Everyday, I never stop thinking of you.

Happy One Year, I love you.
P.S. This has been overdue.

2008-04-20T13:46:00.002+08:00

We're both stuck.
We've been standing here for too long it seems.
Or is it just me?
Being comfortable is always okay?
Perhaps, I just simply desire for too much.

There hasn't been much to blog about.
I haven't felt the need to highlight unsatisfactory moments of my life in order to indulge in my own bouts of self pity and make it sound pathetic.
Maybe i'd close this down sometime soon.
After a while, you just get used to the happenings around you.
Whats the point of talking about it when you know you're not going to do anything about it?

2008-01-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

The transition into the new year was no big deal for me.
However, 2007 was like a leaping stone from the sheltered life I had.

For starters, I finally graduated from secondary school after having wasted 5 years of my life there instead of 4.
However, things wouldn't have turned out the way the were right now if not for that one extra year.
I wouldn't have had met all these people, and I probably would never had experienced the thrills of underage clubbing or the highs of drinking.

Then there was the time at BFD.
While working my ass off, I had the experience of :
The not so random make-outs, the act of overly giving the benefit of the doubt to others, survival in work politics and lastly the spending of half my pay check in night.
Which I later on regretted doing so.
However, I must say that the company I had did lighten things up.

Entering poly was like being thrown into a class in a neighbourhood school.
It was hell for the first few weeks, adapting to it was though, especially with the mindset that people from neighbourhood schools were below me.
I was thrown apart from my familar surroundings.
However, the passage of time proved me wrong.
It was good first sem.

Then I lost my bet, which was totally unplanned or unexpected for.
I got attached and it was quite a surprise I'd say, not just to me but to others around me.
The fact that this relationship is still intact gives me a sense of achievement.
Yet, at the same time it scares me.
Its not about the commitment, its about how attached you get to the person without realizing it.
Just like how I look forward to bookouts all week even though I've just left you a few hours ago.
Relationships alter your life, its like how some companies have joined partnerships for the benefit of both companies.
Basically, its like living your life with mutual shared decisions.
Its not an obsession, its an attachment to this partnership.

This entry ends here, I love you army boy.
As for my new year resolutions, I have none.
I prefer to live my life with the flow.
You can never predict what happens in the future.

2007-12-11T16:43:00.000+08:00

If screaming is the only medium whereby you can find solace,
to that I will turn a deaf ear.
I will not turn into your reflection.

The constant X's which keep appearing on the bottom of the page everytime i log into my school website don't mean anything to me anymore.
Blame that on arrogance and laziness.
The occasional pangs of guilt visit me every once in a while, however that still isn't enough to stop me from leaving school early or skipping school all together.
Whatever, I know I've fucked up this sem and I don't care mom.
At least it was my choice to do badly.
Leave me alone.

Responsibility has become new cause for conflict.
Or perhaps, I still don't which matters more to me.
I need the courage to follow through.

I think I'm changing, or perhaps its just self discovery.
Either way, I'm embracing it.

Well, at least I know I love you, and I think of you every day.
Its amazing how almost 6 months have passed.
Hmm, its pretty amusing still.

2007-10-22T22:28:00.000+08:00

oddly, being solitary isn't all that therapeutic to me all of a sudden.
it just creates an even bigger space.
hollow, so hollow.
it makes me lightheaded.

2007-10-15T23:44:00.001+08:00

we all feel depressed at certain points in our lives.
and everyone pretty much has his or her own reason to be so.
its just a matter of how open they are about it.
i'm pretty much just trying to justify the point of this entry.

i know what it feels like to be unappreciated.
it goes around, and finally comes back kicking you hard in the ass.
even if blindfolded, karma would still have no problem finding its way back to me.
not that im saying that im underserving of it though.

its funny how much more expressive i am on my blog as compared as to real life.
its not that i don't trust anyone.
everything just seems so mundane and underserving of any real attention.
its seems like i've lost the ability to express my true emotions verbally or through other mediums.
i feel like as though im slowly turning into a doormat.

it sickens me to the stomach, having to try to be decent to everyone all the time.
and every decision i make has to compromise something.
every decision i make, i have to make a choice between satisfying one party and disappointing the other.
everytime i want to say something, i hold it back because i know its insensitive.
at the end of the day, somehow im always at the losing end.
when i get really upset, i shake it off because its unimportant and i don't like getting judged.
i know this sounds like another one of those entries.
perhaps this is why i've held back this angsty entry for so long.

i know i'm not quite the same person anymore, somehow.
but i've tried by best, i've carried my burden, i've tried to adapt.
yet somehow along the way, everyone eventually forgot about my feelings.
and even more so how its like to be in more shoes.
yes i have a choice sometimes, but that doesn't mean physically i can achieve it.
i am not someone else, i am me, just plain me.
all the insensitivity is just the summation of how insignigicant i've become.
afterall, i've always been more or less decent to everyone haven't i?
heres the all time classic cliche line, everything was just a facade.

even as im writing this, i feel that somewhere out there, someone's judging me.
call me childish, paranoid, self-centered, pathetic, full of self-pity whatsoever.
the list can go on forever.
i don't care if this is how the world works
even so i still need an outlet to spill.
philosophers make solutions to life so easy.
yet somehow being complex human beings.
life has never been any less complicated.
im so fucking depressed.
acknowledgement doesn't make me feel any better, and so they lied.

2007-10-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

everyone's talking so much about money these days.
you could look at it from two different points of views.
those who have ambition,
and those who are materialistic.
or are they actually categorized under the same category.
this, i'm not too sure.

so why do we place so much emphasis on this thing we call money?
because we know that our basic necessities can only be obtained through the exchange of money.
because, we also know that we can fulfil our wants and live in luxury also through the exchange of money.
it revolves so much around our lives and we place so much emphasis on it that i'd liken money somewhat to a god.

money money money, doesn't it make you sick when you're lacking in it?
yet, you get that sense of power and control when you have loads of it.
its ironic how humans were the ones who invented or started the use of money, yet it turns around like a little bitch and twists us around its little finger.
slaves we are to money.
in a way that is.
how awesome, absolutely.

on a lighter note, i'd say that i'm getting pretty much used to the absence.
but of cause that doesn't give you the reason to avoid/abandon/be too lazy to meet me.
and also, that does not grant you the privilege of talking about army 24/7 and not pay attention to what i say. (IRRITATING)
when you are back to civilization that is.
however, i still miss you.

2007-09-26T21:18:00.001+08:00

stupidity and competition gets the better of me.
so this is how it feels to be stupid.
i don't care what you all out there think.
i'm so gonna fail school.

2007-09-24T00:34:00.000+08:00

the past week hasn't exactly been all that pleasant i'd guess.
having to face a whole new bunch of unfamiliar faces,
and not having you around has been trying.
but somehow, i'd get through this.

2007-09-15T14:18:00.000+08:00

there is a limit to everything.
but that limit is often undefined and people tend to push it.
yet, i don't know what i'm feeling.
i could just go on silently, doing what i do best.
ask no questions, just tolerate.
and perhaps it is a little late for all this angst.

i don't know where all this is going.
so, forget it.

on a lighter note,
say goodbye to recruit lutfi.
i hope you enjoy your prison cell you illegal immigrant.
i haven't got much to say here.
i think i've said enough in that letter.
love you.

for the next few weeks/months.
it'll be back to school.
dull and monotonous, i don't think life gets any better here.
awesome, i'd like a sugar daddy please?

2007-09-08T22:26:00.001+08:00

every single sound annoys me to the mother fucking core.
from my sister's constant giggling to my dog's incessant barks.
every single sound triggers off an alarm.
and all this, would be the biggest challenge against my patience of which i have barely any left.

every single mother fucking sound makes me want to smash this computer to pieces.
if thats not enough, i'd very much like to take a knife and make a huge gash somewhere i can see.

every single person walking in and out of the room is jumping on my nerves.
every intrusion of my privacy makes me want to stab someone so badly.
every things that is beyond my control makes me go crazy.

i hate this piece of a hell hole.
i think i've finally gone crazy.

2007-09-02T02:32:00.000+08:00

its 3am, and i'm still drinking.

object: a thing you can see or touch but that is not usually a living animal, plant or person.

take for example, your handphone.
it doesn't have any rights, opionions or emotions of their own.
in the beginning you treat it with care,
but after a while the novelty starts to wear off.
it becomes just another of your handphones.
perhaps even a decorational object that you use at your whims and fancies.
you only use it when you need to, or want to.
you use it to keep in contact with others.
you use it for entertainment.
you use it to keep track of your daily appointments.
sometimes, you even accidently leave it behind because you've become so accustomed to having it around.
you realise its importance, but only feel the full impact of it when its gone or starts malfunctioning.
it funny how an object like this can revolve around our lives, yet be forgotten or mishandled.

sometimes, i feel like an object.

2007-08-29T18:25:00.000+08:00

its too late to make it right

we've heard that line so many times,
to the point of being cliche even.
yet for some reason, something registers today.

perhaps the lesser i question,
the lesser the confusion.
maybe this is why i dwell in a whirlpool of emotions.

those chunk of words aren't supposed to make sense.

2007-08-26T20:28:00.000+08:00

and mostly i remembered being pretty fly half the time.
that was how the weekends were spent.

and yet, the weekends passed along while i simply carried forward the dread.
perhaps being intoxicated half the time just prolongs your burden.
this is the part where i digress on about how life is never perfect.
yet, that isn't the point.

i saw no fault or flaw in that.
for some reason, all that sounded more convincing than an i love you.
ironically, in a way.

2007-08-22T22:57:00.000+08:00

No.1 Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
No.2 Shania Twain - You're Still The One
No.3 Def Leppard - Photograph
No.4 Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
No.5 Enrique Iglesias - Do You Know
No.6 Guns N Roses - Patience

been spending the last few hours downloading songs.
yes, i have nothing else better to do online.
got myself hooked onto those songs above though.

its a curious paradox that the more i want to talk about something, the lesser i have to say about it.
perhaps, i don't even know what exactly it is i'm talking about.
yet for some reason, this annoys me to the very core.
and now, im frustrated.
okay, this ends here.

2007-08-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

and perhaps this could be yet another entry on insecurity.
i would think that being insecurity is normal for almost every sane human being.
i'm not saying that its impossible to be comfortable in your own skin,
but however, i'm pretty much sure that at one point in time all of us have experienced some form of insecurity.

widening the gap, besides being insecure about our physical self which is a rather common issue,
people are also often plagued by their insecurities with regards to their interpersonal relationships.
then we also experience paranoia which i would also somewhat consider a form of insecurity.

i've always wondered, who is the more insecure one?
those who are single vs those who are attached.
those who are rich vs those who are poor.
in any case, the insecurities that both parties face differ.
we often find that irregardless of where they stand, both parties are still able to find faults and reasons for their own insecurities.
yet, the opposite party is able to find something to be envious of the other party.

the bottom line is, we humans are never satisfied with ourselves or what we have.
i wouldn't consider that a bad thing though.
in order to satisfy that, therefore we seek to improve ourselves or the situation.
i personally think we should thank our insecurities for keeping our egos down to earth.
however, this does not apply to everyone.

and in a sadistic way, i would say that our insecurities allows us to imagine the worst of each situation and therefore prepares us.
however, there is a limit to that.
excessively indulging in our insecurities has its negative effects, which i think most of us are familar with.

we are all insecure in our own ways,
yet i would think that it is up to us to use our intelligence to rationalize these thoughts.

unspoken, or spoken.
i do have my insecurities.
yet, this is only so because i love you
i know theres no link to post above.

2007-08-13T14:29:00.000+08:00

school is such a drag sometimes.
everyone's blog serves different purposes.
and mines to express thoughts which i find myself unable to express verbally.
so here i go.

i believe that we are all depressed maniacs in our own way.
some just try to imitate others, and fail.
then we have those who are genuinely repressed and depressed.
then we have those who are beyond redemption and should be condemmed in hell.
so which category are you in?
but then again thats not the point.

the point here is, being that since we are all depressed maniacs in our own way,
there should be no such lame stereotypes as "emo" or "goth"
everyone has their dark moments.

let me cite some examples here:
take a middle-aged woman for example.
she works for some company and has an average performance.
after work, she picks up her children from school,
goes home and is bombarded with a thousand and one household chores.
her husband doesn't give a shit and sits in front on the couch and screams for dinner across the living room.
she snaps, she takes a gun and starts shooting in every direction.
okay, find. perhaps we should just restrict this to her private personal fantasy.
and perhaps, i am being biased here.

then we have the 10 year old boy,
goes to school like any other kid his age.
comes home, realises that nobody is home.
hes locked outside his door.
he waits and waits.
his mind starts to wonder.
perhaps his mother has abandoned him.
perhaps its the end of the world.
perhaps, hes already dead and stuck in a limbo.
he snaps, climbs over the ledge of the building and takes a jump.

okay, i know i like to over dramatise certain situations.
but then again, our imagination is the very bane of our own sanity.
our imagination feeds our insecurities and slowly they manifest into something unreal and delusional.
but then again, it takes courage and a hint of desperation for any real action to take place

therefore, i conclude.
we are all depressed maniacs in our own way.
its just whether you choose to admit it or not.

2007-08-06T21:33:00.000+08:00

i'm running pretty low on inspiration nowadays.
and therefore that explains the lack of proper posts.
there seems to be nothing much to blog about.
its either because my life has become so mundane that there isn't much misery for me to wallow in self pity or that im just simply becoming boring.
i don't know, its open to everyone to make their own stand.
or perhaps, its just time for a change.

sometimes we all get overwhelmed by a powerful emotion which we call love.
while we're in it, we embrace it.
and when its over, we blame it on love.
however, we fail to face the selfishness and insecurities that we face.
its only when we become overly dependant on the person that we become less aware of our own being.
this is when we question if we are deserving of it.
perhaps that chunk of words above doesn't make any sense.

but i hope this does:
if theres no one beside you, when your soul embarks.
i will follow you into the dark.
45683968

2007-08-02T16:05:00.000+08:00

so effing pissed off.
jdakdjakdka

2007-08-02T01:33:00.000+08:00

perhaps, perhaps it is time to clean up the language.
i notice that mr chang york boon took the time to make a rather interesting comment on my usage of vulgarities.
perhaps, that very well explains my pathetic and undeserving B.
argh. !*** the world!

had an outing with the classmates,
and it was nice to know how bad i was at bowling.
well, not everyone has the potential to be the first from the bottom alright.
cam-whored as usual,
ate like a hungry ghost,
and spent money like water.
the verdict: down and broke.
digging into next week's allowance is not an option.

my sleeping hours have become so erratic that i feel tired constantly.
okay, maybe erratic would be too strong a word.
i don't even know if i'm spelling this correctly.
i realise that my posts are becoming more and more disorganised.
yet, i don't really care right now.

perhaps, this could be a reflection of the current state of my life.
but then again, i don't think i am disorganised.
okay, lame excuses.
and i'm sick of writing random stuff.
this ends here for now.

ps: 4647732846

2007-07-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

staying home on a sunday isn't that bad after all,
i mean after being out the whole week that is.
i'm tired and drained from trying to keep myself awake for the past few days.
all the nights out and clubbing have certainly taken a toll on me.
even as i'm typing out this entry,
my eyes are starting to itch once again and i'm feeling ohh so lethargic.

sometimes we all reach a point in our lives where we all become so contented that we often forget what it is like to be lacking of something.
and so i question myself and ask what is that something.
well, not that i've found an answer yet..
but i do think that i know what it is.

its amazing how i find such comfort in you and yet i never want to admit it.
to put it simply, i love you.
and perhaps you are what fits everything together.
urgh, mushy i know.
this is when i should shut up.

2007-07-29T16:38:00.000+08:00

it feels nice to have turned 18 and legal,
so no more cursing at the aunty or uncle or 7-eleven when they ask for my id,
or secretly pointing my middle finger under the desk when they reject me.
well, whatsoever.
that isn't the point.

this birthday entry has been long overdue i know.
but well, i've been occupied i'd say.
excuses i know.
there was so much i wanted to say initially but now that i've finally gotten down to it,
i've already forgotten half of what i wanted to say.

so what makes a birthday special?
its never been much about the presents.
hang on, screw that.
i'm not saying that i don't want any more presents.
but well, my point here is what really makes a birthday special is when people who you don't expect to remember do remember.

well, i guess its always nice to know that people still do remember you.
and lastly, i'd like to thank all the well-wishers and those who made my birthday happen.
i'd like to cut out all the mushy crap, cause eee i'm not in the mood for all that.
so thanks to those who made me feel appreciated.
and i appreciate you guys.
love, till the next entry.

2007-07-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

just checked my grades and i realised how fucked i am.
well, its obviously time for me to pull up my grades.
and start getting my ass to school.

i'm not really in a reflective or elaborative mood tonight.
but heres something that i've always been thinking of.

in general i'd say life's been pretty fine, or perhaps finer than usual.
this is when it scares me because i know life is never perfect.
i know i should be contented, yet at the same time i can't help but remain guarded.
sometimes, the human intelligence is the very bane of our own sanity.
so what makes a person secure and contented?
god knows.
perhaps stupidity would offer some relief.

on a lighter note,
i feel like being creative tonight.
mm, ribbons?

2007-07-09T20:32:00.000+08:00

you're one of the sweetest i've ever known.
its weird but yes, i am happy and i enjoy my time with you.
i do miss you.
this is so sickeningly cheesy.

2007-07-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

today definately wasn't my day.

we all have our moments.
and im sorry that you had to be at the receiving end of mine.
please pardon my infantile behaviour.
i just really don't appreciate statements like that.
they tend to spark off agressive reactions from me.
i really don't like being compared,
and well, you made me feel that way.

i know i was being petty and unreasonable.
but i couldn't control it.
the events of the day weren't helpful,
and my mood just totally took a nosedive when i read that.
i know it wasn't your fault.
and well, i'm sorry for everything.

at the end of it all, i still miss you.
take care love.

2007-07-01T20:06:00.000+08:00

its been a hell of a slow and sleepy week.
its affected my life in several aspects somehow.
my grades have taken a nosedive this week
yes, due to the lack of focus and interest and my ohh-so-fond habit of sleeping in class.
brings me back to my secondary school days eh?
okay, so ring ring here!
i need to stop this very bad habit.
it annoys me to the core of my very existence.

talking about school.
crude comments and open confrontations.
the class politics need to cease,
for everyone's benefit.

clubbing would have been much better yesterday if it wasn't for my stupid heels, and yes sloth-like behaviour.
curse them heels.
they look pretty, but fuck them they rip your fucking feet apart.
well, i need to make a mental note not to ever repeat the same mistake again.

its either because i've become so content with my life, or i desperately need to fill up my schedules with livelier activities.
this sleeping has affected my social life i'd say and i am really not pleased which is why i place so much emphasis on this point.
i hate ending the night for myself at 4am.

okay, you slammed the record once again.
(29) missed calls.
and yes, i really am apologetic for my behaviour.
for friday, and yesterday.
and now that your phone is spoilt and can only recieve calls, i'm gonna slam it with missed calls even though i know you're at work.
okay, i'm going to make another call now.
and now i even start talking to myself.
i guess it must have be your very fault for the psycho i've become.
well, love you.

okay, lastly.
i'm in need of some financial planning.
i want to go shopping, and i'm finally turning 18 this month.

2007-06-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

the first week of school passed by quickly.
well, im not complaining.
but school wasn't that bad either.

sentosa on friday was spent sleeping 3/4 of the time.
well, its kind of a pity in a way.
missed another chance yet to talk to the girls.
well, i hope the drinking session tmr works out better.
i'm such a sloth.
i sleep too much for my own good.

relatives were over at my place just now,
its funny how i used to look up so much to my cousin last time,
yet now there is some sort of distance between us.
i guess the distance grows as we grow up.

found some alcohol at home once again.
well, satisfies the complusive urge to drink for now.

anyway, sorry bout this evening.
i woke up and got a shock when i saw 21 missed calls.
call my house next time when you know im sleeping and ask whoever to wake me up.
felt a little guilty about it.
mm.. missyou.

2007-06-19T00:26:00.000+08:00

bland, spirals and ants.
just some random words which describe how i feel.

2007-06-04T01:15:00.000+08:00

and so my girls say that i never blog about them.
therefore, i shall very well include them in this post.
i've had it with all that sorting out my feelings shit.
its time for an insight into my weekends.

lets see, clubbing on friday was okay.
the crowd was disappointing.
hate dxo, we have so no fucking life.
so girls, change of venue next time please.
aren't you all sick of that place?
because im sick of vomiting into the same toiletbowl.

then there was saturday, which was spent in the company of SESHAA and LAVITA.
well, we all know what magic that red and white stuff brought to us.
we got pretty fly that night eh?
i think we had quite alot of emo talks that night,
just that i don't quite remember the content.
not mentioning that i finally spilled.
well, could be a good thing in a way.
and yes, i'd like to take the pleasure of saying that i was drunk when i said it.

so anyhows, today marks the day i officially "try" to quit smoking.
we'll see how it goes.
i don't want to die of lung cancer.
brr, horrid.

2007-06-01T19:49:00.000+08:00

i think i could have loved you.
so i've finally admitted it.
and therefore i should stop my emo shit posts.
afterall, nobody knows who i'm talking bout.
and i figured this is the only place where i can spill.
pathetic isn't it.
this is what pride does to you.
i don't think i need to say more.

2007-05-31T22:21:00.000+08:00

i've figured, we all need to bleed the poison of our history out.
so sue me.

2007-05-29T00:17:00.000+08:00

here i am, back to the dull monotonous days of my life.
not that i should be complaining.
haven't i always longed for this peace.
the rush hour is over, the pace is slowing down.

here i am, wondering how i could have failed to realise so.
why do we always wait for things to happen,
only to realise how much we treasure that something.

i'm in great need of vomiting verbally.
so where do you turn to when you need a ear?
right now at this moment i'm pretty clueless.
i'm just so constrained by my obligations.

sitting alone, staring out of the window.
images flashing, thoughts stirring.
i kind of enjoy it, somehow.
it gives you some sort of peace on the inside.

i thought i was pretty sure of myself,
or did time just decide to play games with me.
this can't be happening.
this doesn't normally happen in real life drama.

all this insecurity, drama, emotions.
lets chase them away by putting up facades.

2007-05-27T22:38:00.000+08:00

so much so for the pirates of the caribbean.
what a let down.
instead, our weekend was spent slaving away for "america's next top model".
i think seshaa and i make pretty good assistants.

i wish i could spill my guts.

2007-05-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

where were we the day i started to get jaded?
my lips are sealed, i can't speak.

2007-05-21T19:56:00.001+08:00

its running through your veins at full speed.
you need an outlet.
spill your guts.
you're so hollow inside.

people say you have it good.
but they don't know how cursed you are.
they don't know what its like living on the edge of a black hole.
its ironic how i want to live my life to edge,
yet i'm afraid i might just fall into that hole i took so long to crawl out of.

i wish i could snap out of it,
but it was never easy.

2007-05-21T01:38:00.000+08:00

is there a need to compromise sometimes?
and so, i've been thinking.
must we really lose what sets us apart?
in order to be more like we should be,
or are we just adapting to the situation.
theres such a thin line.
and i'm afraid i'll cross it without realising it.

why do we get so comfortable sometimes,
only to resist the change without realising it.
i don't even know what im feeling right now at this moment.
its like a conflict of emotions,
dying to spill out of my wrists.

i'm feeling small tonight.
this facade's almost over.
i need to know, what im supposed to know.

2007-05-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

class politics, work politics.
they all revolve around the same thing.
a clash of personality.
well, imma gon take a back seat and watch the show.
there isn't a need for me to get involved.
and i like it that way.

i was thinking, being bitchy sometimes, could be just a defense mechanism to cover up the insecurities we face.
i see the agression and repression in such situations.
mm, i think i should go and study psychology.

i was just wondering, how many people do actually know the real me.
not even my parents do.
ohh, perhaps the uglier side of me.
and i also wonder what kind of person people actually think i am.
this contradicts my "fuck the world" moto.
but hell, you can't help but wonder sometimes.
with all this class politics going on.
well, i tend to get a little paranoid.

people always say that they want world peace.
to be honest, its never coming true.
everyones an individual, our characters are all so different, yet similar in some ways.
somehow or another, its gonna clash whether we like it or not.
till the day we can get lions to go vegetarian,
fuck world peace.

i can't be bothered to go in depth about this.
gonna catch up with my sleep.
looking forward to the class chalet.

2007-05-10T21:05:00.000+08:00

i'd like to take a hike somewhere.
we all have a choice ;
to live to the edge, or let the edge live you.

its a pity, at the age of 17, going on 18.
i still haven't got this life figured out.
i don't quite know how to pen those emotions down into words without sounding like an angsty teenager.
but maybe, i'm am still clinging onto bits of history.
just to reassure myself that i've gotten out of it.
this sounds pretty vague i know.
well, habits don't change.

all this clubbing/drinking/smoking/late-nights out,
it makes me feel so raw sometimes.
it feels like im avoiding something, i just don't know what it is.
everything's coming into conflict with one another.

fuck you and your confusion.
say hello to the new distraction.

well, on a lighter note :
school's much more bearable thanks to the class.
lame jokes, screwed up facilitators, bitchy classmates, class outings.
mm, kinda reminds me of a circus.

2007-04-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

don't multilate my sanity.

i'm pretty filled to the brim at the moment.
and i don't quite know where to begin.
for a start, i think we need to back off.

like i said, theres too much distortion.
i'd like to keep to my words and act out that way.
but saying i don't care doesn't mean that i don't remember.
and when i remember, emotions are involved.

i think i need a drink.
the thought of school tomorrow makes me depressed.

2007-04-20T00:03:00.000+08:00

the long hol's are finally over,
and sadly its back to school again.
waking up at 6.30 am in the morning is something i'm still having trouble with.

the classmates have been pretty okay after getting to know them a lil better.
with the exception of one individual.
looking for new corners in the school to smoke have been pretty fun as well.
found a rather decent corner today.
there are benches to sit down!
i like it!

my days of a part-time alcoholic are over.
i've decided not to drink unless an occasion arises.
basically cause this shit's gotten me into enough trouble already.
and besides, i don't want to die early.

anyway, im just updating for the sake of updating.
i'll update when i feel emo next time.

2007-04-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

history, does not repeat itself.
at least, i won't allow it.

2007-04-04T03:36:00.000+08:00

i'd just like to take the pleasure of saying,
i'm moving on.
cliche as it sounds,
but that was all so yesterday.

whenever i get close to or comfortable with a guy.
after a while i just get this uncanny feeling that all they want at the end of the day,
is just to get into my pants.
i could be just paranoid,
or i could be just right.

so this is the scenario :
he asks you out on his off day,
okay with the company of others later on.
so he does the whole nice guy thing, and then people ask if theres anything going on.
then he msgs you at 4am in the morning,
says something out of the blue.
pesters me to call him, and we end up hanging up only one plus two hours later.

anyhow, im too confused to complete this post.
i'll update again.

2007-03-27T04:41:00.000+08:00

i don't know if anyone still reads my blog,
but whatever,
i've finally tendered my resignation.
well, im officially free and bored.
i've taken to this new habit of eating,
and its not exactly something i want to continue.

so many people are coming in and out of my life at the moment.
it gets frustrating sometimes.
especially when you don't like the person,
and they just keep on pushing and pushing.
don't you fucking get the msg when i don't reply you?

i can't like anyone who likes me first.
maybe you might think i'm weird, but thats how i am.
the more you ignore me, the more i like you.
anyhows, i don't believe in relationships at the moment.
wtf are they for.
i don't think i can ever feel that way for anyone else again.
and fuck the past, it doesn't mean shit to me at all.

i know everytime im drunk,
im bound to make out with some guy.
fuck the world anyhow.
alcohol makes you do anything.
just that sometimes, i wake up regretting my actions.
but fuck it again, whatever happened didn't mean shit to me.
just like how im expressing my opinions on my blog right now.
theres nothing to restraint you.
thats what i like about it.
but it can make you do things you regret as well.

anyway, i've finally decided to put you behind.
i don't feel much for you anymore.
so fuck it, im moving on.
i don't know how this is going to end up.
but fuck it, i need alot of my own space.
so at the same time, fuck relationships.
goodnight ya'all im off to bed.

2007-03-06T17:31:00.000+08:00

didn't manage to get into business info tech.
missed out by 2 points.
im pretty fucked at the moment.

2007-03-05T03:52:00.000+08:00

cheers to all the alcoholics out there.
im starting to get worried about my kidneys.
no, seriously.

coming home drunk has become a trend lately.
not that im proud of it.
i love my chivas, but its a devil.
a handful would know what happened in st james.
and waking up realising that it wasn't a dream this morning certainly wasn't pleasant at all.
it was a hell of a night.
and now alcohol's an even bigger slut.

i've got something on my mind.
and i can't get it figured out.
sue me.

2007-03-03T05:04:00.000+08:00

watched pursuit of happiness today.
touching movie.
it really brings you back down to earth.
its all about reality baby.

god damn, im high again.
and i miss you.
i know i shouldn't be.
of all people, why you?
why play this gane?

2007-02-25T04:02:00.000+08:00

alcohol and ciggarettes,
so they've become part of my everyday life.
if i never had these vices, i wonder how i'd be living my life.
would my life be plain? monotonous?
would i be a different person?

there are people who live their live happily and meaningfully without these vices.
can i be one of those?
maybe not right now.
i've come to the conclusion that i'm still too young, immature and selfish to live that way.
i drink to get high everyday,
just for pure entertainment, to kill time, and to waste my life away.
to put it simply, i don't think about others.

i don't quite know what i want out of this life yet.
there are still so many shades of grey.
i can't draw a line between many things.

people say maturity comes with age.
i disagree however.
i think maturity depends on how you've been brought up.

you know, when people get too comfortable with their own lives.
they start to get used to it.
and thats when, the wrong thing becomes normal to them.
this is why so many areas of my life are shaded in grey.
i live a comfortable life,
and im not willing to step out of it.
not just yet anyway.

im just a kid.

2007-02-17T04:12:00.000+08:00

17 points for L1R4.
many say that i should be happy with it.
well, i can't undo history.
though i know that i could have done better.
it was within my reach,
just that it was my choice not to work for it.
i don't know where i'll go from here,
but i'll make sure i'll be happy with what i do.

to try to understand someone is something so complex.
time and again, i've tried to decipher your thoughts.
i get a little somewhere, but you turn the tables round and bring me back to square one.
i think i should just step back and stop thinking for once.
out of selfishness, and for my own good.

its all in human nature to only believe what you want to hear.
denial is so easy, we can all think of a 101 reasons to cover the truth.
what happened back there happened.
maybe because of alcohol, or whatsoever.
i treasured what i had.
even though, somewhere in my mind i was already thinking of the consequences.
pretty memories have a twisted side to them sometimes.

sometimes, we've got to stop living for others.
its up to you to interpret what i mean.
meanwhile, i need some willpower to get over this.
call me sentimental, emotional, clingy or whatever.
i wish i could really fuck the world as easily as it comes out of my mouth.
alcohol's a slut, not bitch.

humans are complicated, lets all go fuck dog.

2007-01-28T01:39:00.000+08:00

had a good weekend with the girls.
not forgetting the chard, cab sav and lastly saw3.
ohh, i even skipped work today.
well, thats an improvement for a start.

i think i've been spending too much time out.
its time to stay home.
well, thats the very least i could do.
i mean, if i put myself in my mom's shoes.
yea, i can see where shes coming from nowadays.
which parent will tolerate their 17 year old daughter coming back everyday at 6am in the morning.
and its not like they don't know what the fuck im doing out there.

i believe that what goes around comes around.
and i don't want to be in the same position as my mom several years from now.
sometimes, we just have to think about others.

and lastly, alcohol's a bitch.
it toys with your emotions.
i don't quite need to say why.
thanks for the memories anyway.

2007-01-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

2006 was pretty much similar to 2005.
i'm out of secondary.
finally, i've always been looking forward to that.
but where do i go from here?

to cut it short, 2006 was filled with both good and bad memories.
i'll never forget all that and i'll always feel the same way.
and thank you for all that.

been pretty occupied with work,
so my life pretty much revolves around it.
i mean, i enjoy it, kind of.
i'll feel weird if i don't turn up for one day.

anyway, today someone made my day.
it didn't take much, but thats how life is.
screw all those other guys.

2006-12-28T00:04:00.000+08:00

spent my christmas in kl with some good company.
blew almost all my pay there, but im happy with my purchases.
overall, it was a good christmas.
however, being back with the family today was good.
enjoyed opening the presents together.

spilled the beans finally.
cleared up the mist.
as for what will happen in the future,
we'll see.

going back to work tmr.
i know im gay.
im missing out on so much.

why do i feel so depressed?

2006-12-20T04:05:00.000+08:00

the weather's been nasty.
i mean i hate the dampness, but i love the temp.
makes me so drowsy during work.

i'm gonna be away for christmas.
not that i really care.
all im looking forward to is january.
a small handful would know why.
i just can't fucking understand why.

2006-12-16T04:33:00.000+08:00

consuming alcohol for 3 days in a row really does damage.
both physically and emotionally.
went to work drowsy and managed to survive it somehow.
i really enjoy sitting behind the cashier,
just doing the bills.
i've been pretty lucky so far i guess.

anyway here are some stupid things i did:
1)frenched someone i rejected.
doesn't make things at work any better.
2)cried like fuck because someone said something sweet to me.
this ones really stupid.
3)cried like fuck together with seshaa because we missed siva.
we behaved like as though he died.
4)gave my number to this good looking customer
big mistake( hes 26, just broke up with his gf for 8 yrs, trying to ask me out, and is obviously chasing after a fuck. also happens to be mano's friend)

and lastly, i'd like to say that i did all that, while i was high.
i don't know why im posting all this up here,
but well i miss my friends.
gonna stop work on the 20th.

2006-12-12T04:23:00.000+08:00

rejection isn't pretty i know.
my apologies and i've yet say what i wanna say.

its been work and more work.
alcohol and more alcohol.
i've also moved from the floor to the bar/cashier.
i've been living in a well man.
ohh and seshaa and i were talking bout it today.
we really miss siva the india boy.
do fly back soon boss.

2006-12-09T04:11:00.000+08:00

heres an update :
i've been working my ass off since last saturday at bernie's BFD.
every day has been happening so far.
memories.
good ones, and bad ones.
this is why i enjoy working there.

i've yet to find a way to ease the situation.
but meanwhile, i'd just let it be.
i mean, i can always act like nothing happened.
im afraid i'm gonna have to be the bitch this time.

my working days are gonna get bad, cause "boss" is gonna leave for india.
which means that i'll be having lesser smoke breaks,
and there'll be nobody to help me key in stupid orders,
there'd be no "boss" to boss me around,
no "boss" to pinch me,
no "boss" to get me out of my mess and take the blame for me,
no "boss" who understands.
no "boss" who knows how to cheer people up.
alright, we'll all miss him.
do come back soon please.

please, don't be so nice.
i can't like you.
i don't know why, but you just make things much more gay when you're around.

2006-11-30T23:46:00.000+08:00

i've figured that its okay to be narcissitic on my own blog.
like, hello its mine.
so well, i don't care.
im gonna ramble.

reflecting upon the past few weeks/months.
i don't quite think i deserve to enjoy this long break.
i know i could have put in more effort into those books.
i just don't feel at ease.
yes, im starting to feel guilty.

it seems like whenever i get something i want badly.
i feel like i don't quite deserve it,
nor do i treasure it.
on the other hand,
i wonder what i did wrong when i don't get what i want.

i wonder when things would start turning around.
but whatever, who am i to complain?
what rights do i have to want it.

work tmr, dreading another round of foot binding.

2006-11-29T02:17:00.000+08:00

just came back from my first day at work.
it wasn't too bad.
got my pay and im darn happy with it.

i was stationed at the entrance today.
my job was to greet the customers and assign them to their tables.
occasionally i'd have to run around and get them their bills.
sounds easy, but you have no idea how fucking boring it is.
i stood there for fucking 8 hours without breaks in shoes that were one size too small.

i finally understand how difficult it is to earn some cash man.
gonna stop asking my mom for so much money.
alrightos, its been a day.
i wanna go to the zoo.

2006-11-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

blabber blabber blabber.
i realise i say alot of crap when im angry.

ladies night at devil's was boring.
the techno and trance killed our moods.
but well, we did a quite a bit of crap/crazy dancing.
i mean, what the hell.
how'd you dance to techno shit.
on a lighter note, drinking was fun.

anyway, grad night's over.
all i can say is, it was a waste of money.
it was boring, and the food sucked.
it was more of a fashion parade.
the time spent in the hotel room was good though.
didn't drink much.
didn't get high.
not that much into drinking nowadays.

gonna start working soon anyway.
ritz, here i come with my cheongsam.
fuck, tuesday please don't come.

2006-11-20T01:06:00.000+08:00

its emo night, so lets get to the point and be over with it.

i don't like the way you judge me.
im not apologising.
i don't feel like taking the blame this time.
i don't want to carry the burden.
i want to sit in my corner and smoke all day long.
i want to get high and die in a car accident so i won't have to be around.
petty shit.

you blame me, when i screw up.
when you screw up, you don't even know it.
fuck you.

i'd like very much to throw rocks

2006-11-19T22:02:00.000+08:00

so i've realised, standing in the middle gets you nowhere.
its just the little things, that accumulate over time.
i'd like very much to cite some examples.
some recent, some from the past.
but i think it'd be a safer bet to keep my mouth shut.

i'd like very much to snap back.
i'd like very much to argue back.
i'd like very much to scream and hurl abuses.
i'd like very much to lose my temper.
lastly, i'd also like very much to disappear.

i'm sick of being the middle person.
i'm sick of playing safe.
i'm sick of taking the blame and abuses.

i don't want to hear anything, i don't want to know anything.
i don't care if im blowing things up.
i don't want to care about what people think anymore.

2006-11-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

found this while digging for history notes.
well, brings back some memories.

sinking vessels and buildings on fire.
swallowed whole by raging elements.
their hopes for salvation are dissipating.
you did the same.
burnt away the happiness,
encased me in a tomb only to drown.
it was good while it lasted.
but even fairytales have tragic endings.

anyway im still pondering over where the aryans originate from.
i've come to a conclusion that the come from india.
but then again, it doesn't fit somehow.
i've no idea why im suddenly so into this whole aryan business.
we don't have to study germany.
so why in the hell do i even bother.

2006-11-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

lets see, the weekend was spoilt all thanks to the flu bug.
i've come to a conlusion that peeky doesn't only house fugitives and convicts.
she houses bacteria and germs and she even breeds them.
and yes, i took them home.

coming back to friday night, we did some drinking.
with the company of seshaawoman, peekywoman and along with potong jalan man and his matt friends.
whereby i invented two new ways to classify retarded people.
the subnormal and tri-quarter normal.
i've no idea of what the hell i was thinking.

alright back to the topic of o's.
3 more papers left.
accounts, history and science mcq.
mucho mugging yet to be done.

anyway cheers to all the singles out there.
i just felt like being random.
ohh and anyway, my phone met with a road accident.
seriously.
i can't read or reply msgs.
thats how useless it is now.

2006-11-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

i've concluded that whats not meant to be, is not meant to be.
i've definately studied more for my examinations than my sister did.
but well, with a brain like hers what studying does she need to do.
ahh, this is fucking unfair.
so yop, we'll see.

anyway back to the boring topic of o's.
i think i screwed up my english letter writing.
physics was pretty difficult.
this says quite abit.
there goes my plan to use physics to pull up my science grade.
i can kiss my plans for engineering courses in poly away,
and start mentally preparing myself for the road to ite(Its The End).
okay, no offence.
someone just gave me the idea.

maths paper2 on friday and i must say,
im drained from all this studying.
its starting to take its toll on me.
i'm getting more and more cranky as the days go by.
i swear i haven't studied this much since primary 4.
well, several more papers to go.
at least theres still a chance to pull up those grades.

see you guys, same class, next year.*
had a pretty fun time at sara's place today.

2006-11-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

ss and maths paper 1 down.
god knows how relieved i am right now.
i feel like i've lifted a burden off my shoulders.
the o's have been a nightmare.

4 more papers to go.
can't wait.
the hotel, the alcohol.
i've got plans to start jumping/dancing on the bed.
and this reminds me that im in deep shito.
cause i haven't gotten my dress yet.

i've taken to staying home for the past few days,
and its not that bad actually.
studied together with my sister for ss.
even though she was more of a distraction than help since she couldn't stop talking.

i think im cranking up in the head.
yes, i don't speak much sense nowadays.
maybe its the overdosage of caffine.

2006-11-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

i feel like pulling all my hair out sometimes.
i think im stressed.
like, fuck man.

ohh, and i discovered.
listening to imogen heap and enya while studying helps.
well, gotta crash my way through ss.
i think i'll stay home this whole weekend.
im still not getting over the bio paper.

2006-11-02T12:08:00.000+08:00

bio paper down.
all that i memorised didn't come out.
i feel so cheated.
fuck the paper.
~!@#$%
i could kill myself now.

2006-10-31T00:50:00.000+08:00

i finally feel the urge to study till my brains die.
well, better late than never?
studied the whole fucking day.
at home, and over at tiong.
with the company of big fuck senior, and the long cousins.

i've discovered that my concentration level goes down after studying for 3 hours straight.
im pretty happy though.
covered almost all of the important chaps.
just 2 more chaps to go and some reading through,
then i'll be done.
hopefull in time too.

anyhows, i missed the last bus today.
didn't wanna wake my dad up.
so yop, i took a fucking 4o to 45 min walk home from bishan mrt.
well, learnt something from that.

alright, im gonna blast the music and hit the books again.

2006-10-27T00:58:00.000+08:00

momma's off to kl tmr morn.
this lifts my mood up tremendously.
no disturbances early in the morning while im still having my sleep.
nobody to shake their head at me for smoking at the porch.
this is awesome.

im effing bored, and im gonna talk bout my study day.
study day was productive.
i've concluded that my sisters a huge distraction at home.
and ohh, we came up with a new theory.
the circle graph.

anyway, walked to 7 eleven again just now.
and this really cute guy asked me for a lighter.
heh, random i know.

anyway im really fed up.
lost my cable again, can't upload all my new sounds.
dissapointing.

heres a link to laugh at :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C3neuUjJoc
this is humiliating.
i don't know why im posting it, found it on sk's blog.
ahh, memories.

2006-10-26T00:13:00.000+08:00

i've got no time for extra emotions inside the head.
its time to switch to exam mood.
one chance.
i'd better not fuck it up.
lets not think bout the other alternatives.

the night out with the girls was fun.
made plans for grad night.
really looking forward to it.
can't wait for the suite and alcohol.
i wouldn't be giving 2 flying fucks then.

2006-10-24T19:50:00.000+08:00

emo weekend's over.
i've finally come to my senses.

2006-10-22T21:00:00.000+08:00

i find myself sitting in the midst of a whirlpool of emotions.
its so messy messy messy.
i could, if i want to.

all of a sudden i can't eat, i can't sleep.
whats becoming of this.

2006-10-22T13:05:00.000+08:00

no overwhelming sensations.
no outbursts of tears.
it was just shocking.
i think i'll be stoned for a long while.
i'm tired, but i'll get my act together.
i'll make no stand.

clubbed again last night.
the events of the night were hazy.
hope i didn't do anything dumb.

2006-10-18T01:14:00.000+08:00

panda love too beans!

as the o's draw nearer, i find myself becoming increasingly detached from reality.
chosing to indulge in my korean drama serials and wasting my time away in front on this screen.
so much for mugging my ass off.
at this point in time, i feel so unmotivated even though i know that its my future im responsible for.
im the self professed queen of procrastination.
and i know i'll live to regret it if i don't do anything about it.

there are those i want to prove wrong.
maybe someday, i'll get there.
this love-hate relationship.
the other daughter
will i ever be as good as her.

2006-10-15T15:29:00.000+08:00

the background music would slowly fade into oblivion.
i'd like to spare myself the anguish.

on a lighter note.
yesterday's drinking session at boon keng was good.
got high, then sobered up a lil, and got high again.
heard quite a bit of interesting news.
mm.. alcohol.

anyway, gonna have tuition in a while.
time to do physics once again.

2006-10-12T12:35:00.000+08:00

narcissist - someone who has too much admiration for themselves.

i don't see why people can take pride in calling themselves narcissists.
anyhow, i just never understood their despairation for attention.
perhaps it works like a drug.
once you get a taste of it, you'll just want more and more.
and not to mention, their unparalleled ability to talk about themselves.
its not like i really give 2 fucks half the times.
especially when you give me an overdose.
no personal attacks intended.

as you can see, i'm running out of things to blog about.
boring day!

2006-10-09T00:58:00.000+08:00

you're so contradicting,
but so am i.
why you?

wasted friday and saturday away doing nothing productive.
clubbing was good, its a pity the club closed so early.
drinking on saturday wasn't too bad either.
went to bed early as a result.
headed out to do some revision with ta earlier on.
and here i am, thinking of what to do next.
lifes been pretty boring.
i need a revolution.

2006-10-03T15:23:00.000+08:00

its a curious paradox that the more i want to hate you, the more i seem to want you.
its more of a tragedy to me, than to you.
broken was the spirit.

2006-10-01T15:37:00.000+08:00

to summarise it all,
the chalet was fun on the whole.
drank on both nights and got knocked out pretty early.
witnessed several fights which were quite entertaining to a certain extent.
smoked finished all 7 packs shared between seshaa, ta and i.
and im currently nursing a sore throat right now.

made it to cheekys on friday night despite the fatigue.
hit the dance floor for a while till i got too tired and decided to go home.
must have been out of my mind.

still you.

2006-09-23T01:01:00.000+08:00

night out with the girls - holland village
lovely place, great atmosphere.
gives you a homely feel.
love the way the resturants and pubs light up the streets with their neon signboards,
makes you feel like as though you've just entered a small town.
not forgetting the people, which adds on to the atmosphere.

the highlight of the night was charmaine getting high on several sips of carlsberg.
shes just ohh-so-silly yet cute at the same time.
i'd love to see her get high again.
gotta watch the bitchiness though.
just kidding.

headed to jill's house afterwhich and we finally met mummy paris's babies.
fucking cute, all 4 of them.
they seem to have some issues with my boobs though?

its been a fun night, hope to get the pictures soon!
gotta catch some sleep,
fucking tired.

2006-09-20T22:48:00.000+08:00

i feel messy messy messy.

2006-09-14T22:20:00.000+08:00

YA. the most irritating word of the day.
too lazy to type out the details.
i swear bishan community centre is a fucking happening place please.
hahahahaha

2006-09-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

its like a vicious cycle,
it never stops.
its like after struggling to climb out of a black hole,
only to be kicked down the to bottom again.

so what if i had built my walls high,
the foundations were weak.
it was just a matter of time before they'd crumble.

sometimes, i feel like reaching out.
but fear holds me back.
yet sometimes on the other hand,
i think i can handle this.

i wish i had a stronger character.

2006-09-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

i've concluded that 4 and a half hours of tuition is enough to make a person depressed.
urgh, hate such brain power consuming activities.
and did i mention?
all of us were eating throughout the whole lesson like there was no tmr.
feasted on chicken nuggets, pizza and whatever else there was.
i think i hate food now.
definately a session to remember.
was quite fun on the whole.

had a dream last night.
don't ever want to go back to growing up.

i'm so sick and tired.
jaded.

2006-09-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

history and maths paper2 tmr.
both of which im gonna fuck up.
simply cause, i spent my weekend gambling and drinking away.
this is when i should just slit my wrist and hope to die.

played several rounds of poker just now,
got robbed of all my coins.
there went part of my wealth,
to senthil kumar.
who apparently didn't seem to run out of luck.

well, time to cram in some history.
i'll try, hope i don't fall asleep.

2006-09-08T22:24:00.000+08:00

the simpler things in life make us happy.
i've decided not to be such an emo fuck tonight.
had the usual tuitions,
didn't go out today,
which is why i hate fridays so much.

im happy for you hum,
absence makes the heart grow fonder( only applies in some cases )
someone's on cloud nine tonight.
well, don't blame ya love!
thanks for the company while we were doing our tattoos anyway.

i'd pray for courage and strength,
to be able to keep my head above water.
meanwhile, i'll go smoke another strawberry menthol stick.
im so in love with them.
they just make my day.

2006-09-08T00:05:00.000+08:00

tattoos for life.
an experience to remember.

paranoia's getting the better of me.
this poison's sinking in slowly.
running through my veins at full speed.

it kills to be alive sometime.
especially times like these.

2006-09-06T12:02:00.000+08:00

i miss the way i was so much more myself.
doesn't really make sense,
but that doesn't matter.

anyway, my short week of happy hols are coming to an end soon.
no more waking up late and smoking whenever i feel like it.
im still in love with the pixie.

the supposed no. 2

2006-09-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

love always,
pixie.

HAHAA! finally got what i wanted.

2006-09-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

the weekend has been rather unproductive -
alcohol and more alcohol.
ohh, makes the lines inside my head go fuzzy wuzzy.
not forgetting the debts i've yet to clear from all that gambling.

the emo session yesterday was uncalled for.
and i'd apologise for the emo-ness,
and not forgetting the behaviour.
marks have been left,
so theres no denying.

looking forward to my tattoo tmr.
but tuition at 4pm spoils it all.
i've got half a mind to fuck tuition and fuck the world.
i'll see how it goes tmr.

why should i care when you don't?

2006-09-01T16:02:00.000+08:00

last night was pretty hazy.
can't seem to remember much,
except for the bits and pieces that i wish didn't register.
sobered up towards the end of the night though.

witnessed 2 drunkards puking last night.
a refreshing change,
for once it wasn't me.

changed the blogskin again.
as usual there aren't any links, or tagboards.
can't get rid of the stupid links.
fuck.

lifehouse - blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave and still I have the pain
I have to carry a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

stuck on this song.
cheesy but its great.

2006-08-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling sleepy.
i think laughing too much drains the energy out of me.
was at tp earlier on.
shan't go into the details of what we did.
too explicit i'd say.
hahahaha, laughter's good.

science prac tmr.
another examination that im sure to fail.
its like an impending doom.
okay, maybe i am exaggerating on the doom part.
nobody's dying.
but, really.
i wonder why im even taking the trouble to do my ten year series.
not that its going to help in tomorrows examination.

lost my usb port for my mp3 player.
which means that i can't upload all my new songs,
and recharge the battery.
i am going to get very cranky if my mp3 player goes flat.
urgh, its a disturbing thought.

my hair is taking ages to dry.
and that sucks cause i can't sleep.
don't want to wake up to another bad hair day.
fine, maybe everyday's a bad hair day.
but going to sleep with my hair dry makes the next day a not-so-bad-hair-day.
im rambling,
which means im desperately in need of sleep.
shall blow dry my hair,
and get my ass of this seat.

2006-08-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

got a little high today.
ohh, doses of alcohol - an escape from my mundane life.
makes life more interesting.

talking to sasha long online now.
we're catching up on each other's life.
missed those times,
as usual.
the past always offers me something more appealing than the present.
not that i should be complaining.
i made my choices.
i'll stick to them.

ohh, mom just got home.
that means i shall go have dinner now.
im not hungry,
and that makes me wonder why im eating.
well, whatever.

don't speak

2006-08-27T22:15:00.000+08:00

i have no god damn life.
stayed home the whole day.
endured an hour long lesson with my "monk" physics tutor.
absolutely dreadful.

did some last minute revision for ss.
fine, only one chapter - conflicts in ireland
hope the informations reliable.
or else, a whole bunch of us are just going to fail.

heard a little something just now.
and i emphasize on the little.
well, it shouldn't mean anything to me.
i should stop thinking about it now,
even though its kind of comforting.

had an inpromptu drinking session yesterday.
ohh, alcohol.
the way it messes with your mind.
seshaa stayed over.
and im still very amused by how she faces such difficulty in typing out a scentence.
think i talked too much in the car last night.

shall go through the notes once more,
then head to bed.
i'm having difficulty trying to keep my eyelids open.

still not finished with you.

karrrtooon.

2006-08-25T13:45:00.000+08:00

found an old stack of comic books.
i'll be digging into them tonight.
loads of archie, and i see some ninja turtles.

hate fridays,
actually friday nights.
tuition just spoils my day.

anyway, fucked up my essay and letter writing.
wrote about a group of students breaking into a factory.
crap story, but whatever.

changed the blogskin temporarily.
till then!

infantile

2006-08-24T23:09:00.000+08:00

i've sobered up,
and im not feeling emo anymore.
fuck,
OHH PRELIMS.
how i dread them.

gonna go through my letter formats and head to bed.
need some eye shut.
the activities of the day have worn me out.

rape her!

2006-08-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

hum and i went over to pq's house before tuition.
we had a awesome time there.
only pq, hum and i would know why.
ohh, the things we never knew bout hum.
tsk.
UNEXPECTED!

anyway, headed down to toa payoh after tuition.
met ta, tasha and most importantly my dearest nat long long.
okay, so its my fault that we haven't hung out for ages.
but, i'll make it up.
i'll be calling you out more often.

missed a chance to go for singapore idol today.
all thanks to tuition.
well, sacrifices.
YES, SACRIFICES.
i'll have to start psychoing myself.

something seems to be missing.
can't put my finger on what it is,
but fuckcare.
i think im a little crazy tonight.

standstill

2006-08-22T22:41:00.000+08:00

the heats been unbearable for the past few days.
dragged my feet out of bed,
with the aid of my dad.
arrived at school with that stoned expression,
stating clearly that i wasn't in any mood to be awake at this very moment.
dreading the hours to pass.
slept half my time away.
school was fucked up as usual.
nothing happening.
every waking day's been like this.

i just realised that i've lost the drive to do many things.
i find myself just wasting my time away,
with nothing to look forward to,
or work towards for.

i don't think im depressed.
i just hope this would pass.
im running out of energy.

only fools let history repeat

2006-08-21T21:02:00.000+08:00

i don't feel angry, pain or disappointed.
just stupid.
history, yes history.
if you're wondering why im rambling on bout the past,
its cause a certain event that took place today makes me recall an incident,
so very familiar. (cheryl and dawn)

i see so many similiarities now,
that it makes me feel stupid not to have realised this from the start.
but then again,
its not like i could have predicted all this.

even up to now,
im still repeating history.
without realising it.

i think i may want to go back to counselling,
i don't know why,
but im just hoping for a miracle to happen,
to jolt me out of this facade that i've created for myself.

slashes and gashes

butterflies in your stomach

2006-08-20T23:12:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling funny.
i kind of miss someone,
not the right one though.

well, i'd just brush it off.
and head to bed.
sleep clears my mind.